CHURCH BELL TOLLS
- Boo! - (Gasps)
Cassie, I said four o'clock.
Did you? Look at your hair.
It's so long.
Wow.
I must have been away for ages.
Yeah.
Oh...
A welcome home present.
I got Chris to roll it especially.
Perfectly cylindrical.
A little shuttle out to space.
But...
- I don't smoke any more. - The clinic actually worked this time?
I still do pills and everything, just not things that make me hungry.
I've got a favour to ask you.
- Basically, I really need you to... - OK.
I haven't told you what it is yet.
It doesn't matter. I'm sure it's something nice.
Well, sort of.
Tony's got this party tonight that he wants us to go to,
- and you know his mate, Sid? - Do I? Maybe.
Well, basically, he's totally in love with me, and I really need you to shag him at this thing.
- You'll do that, won't you, Cassie? - Sure.
Thanks. I knew you would.
Oh, my God! We have to go in.
Oh, totally. It's essential.
When I get married, I'm going to wear a dress just like this.
I'll be Tony, you be Michelle.
You can't.
She's watching.
Excuse me.
I don't think this is quite the place for you.
Excuse me. My best friend is pregnant.
They were using condoms and everything, but did you know, they're only 98%% % effective?
The man's doing the right thing, though, isn't he, Michelle? She's very upset.
- She isn't showing. - I know. Thank God!
And spunk is basically pure fat, so she's really lucky.
Amazing figure. She'll be such a beautiful bride.
(Faint.)
(- What? - Faint.)
- Oh, my God, I... - She's always doing this!
And everything got a bit ectopic a few weeks ago. Very difficult.
I need a glass of water, and smelling salts, if you have them.
Water, quick!
Now, to the church.
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
You just turned us into the most visible fugitives ever.
Oh. Well, yeah, but she was a nasty person and nasty people don't count.
That's one of my new me resolutions - nasty people don't count.
- New me? - Yeah, you know,
new me.
Like old me, only better.
I missed you, Cassie.
- I missed you too. - No, I mean it.
I really missed you.
I love you, you know?
Yeah, I mostly do.
CHURCH BELLS RING
RUBS HANDS TOGETHER
Hello, careers needer. I'm your careers leader.
Um, hello, careers seeker.
I am your careers tweaker.
"I want to be a scientist."
You're already a beefeater. That's better. You should just stay...
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.
DOOR OPENS
Hi, Chris. Sorry, have a seat.
Sorry, I made you a name sticker.
Oh. Cheers.
Um, hello, careers needer. I am a careers seeker.
That's not right.
Um... I'm Josie.
- Hi. Um, welcome. - You're welcome.
I mean, thank you.
Oh. OK. Um...
So let's start by going through your careers finder questionnaire.
Sorry, I've forgotten your name.
- Chris. - Chris. Thanks. OK.
Where it says, "Describe your ideal career",
um,
you've just drawn a picture of a snail.
Yeah.
Um, so have you thought about a career? What would you like to do?
Right, I was thinking about this.
And there was this guy, yeah, called Brunel,
he just built bridges and ships and that.
- And he was just... - So, you want to be an engineer?
Not an engineer, no.
I'm a lover, not a builder. Right?
But I dunno, I guess maybe it's, like, his attitude that I admire.
OK.
That's not really a specific career in itself.
Have you got any other ideas?
There's this other guy - invented the steam train, Stephenson.
Fucking mad, man.
He basically said, "I want these trains to go fast,
"so I'm going to use a kettle."
I mean, a fucking kettle!
- Again, so is that the attitude? - Attitude, yeah.
OK, so, have you got any ideas for...
actual careers?
Do you think the title Renaissance Man sounds a bit wanky?
It's just... I don't know how I'd categorise that. I don't know what section...
Renaissance Man.
OK, to give a thing, right,
my mate Anwar, yeah?
His mum's always making these curries.
Literally, the best curry you'll ever eat in your life.
She's always got a surplus, cos she's trying to fatten him up. But I was thinking,
maybe I could, like, deliver that surplus to, you know, just to people.
Check this out.
Huh?
Curry Me Up, Chris.
Ha! I totally had an idea like that.
But what I was gonna do was I was gonna make a big vat of soup,
and then sell that at festivals.
Going round all different festivals, talking to people and giving them the soup.
Exactly. Because, why should all the homeless people get all the soup?
Give us the fucking soup! You could go to festivals and find
loads of people on, like, massive pill come-downs, right?
Give a bit of chunky soup, and they'd, like, fucking explode with happiness.
It's... No, it's not charity, it's... it's beauty.
- That's exactly what I'm talking about. - Well, that's catering.
- I can get you loads of leaflets. There's... - Also...
Is there a way that I could invent cocktails?
Um...
Yeah, I suppose... Definitely. Definitely.
Right, OK.
I reckon I'd make an excellent mixologist.
Um... Is there toothpaste in this?
Hi. I'm going to become a professional clarinettist.
I'll start by auditioning for the Royal College of Music, but failing that,
get onto a good university course for music
and then go back to the Royal College for a Masters.
Musician.
That's brilliant.
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY
Oh, I could totally get you a leaflet, if you want...
It's OK, I've already sent off for all the prospectuses I'm interested in.
Well, that's brilliant.
Can I go?
Sorry, it's supposed to last 15 minutes, so...
SIGHS
(Sorry.)
A musician!
PLAYS A NOTE
Got that... Sorry.
So let's look at your options and make positive connections
to the world of the workplace for you, name of test recipient.
Did you just read that off that sheet?
Yeah. Sorry, I just think it's a really beautiful sentence.
Um...
So, let's find the key to unlock your ideal career.
OK?
Um, so your computer test results...
It says here that your best two options are landfill waste consultant,
and, oh...
It just says landfill waste consultant.
So, which of those two options
takes your fancy?
Landfill waste consultant?
Cos it'd be really good for me if you could choose that.
What have you thought about doing in the future?
Well, I'd like to do something that doesn't involve too much work.
OK.
Landfill waste consultant?
Brilliant. I'll get you a leaflet.
Why do you think just that one's come up in the results?
Well, let's go through your responses. OK?
Where it says, "What are your job skills?",
you've put, "What's the point? I'm a waste of space."
So, I guess, "waste".
"Would you prefer to work inside or outside?"
And you've written, "I wish a hole in the ground would swallow me up."
So, I guess, "landfill". And then it says, "What are your hobbies?"
- And you've put "Michelle"... - (He mouths)
...and then, written six question marks.
So I guess it got consultant from there.
It's quite clever, really. Landfill, waste...
I don't want to be a landfill waste consultant.
- Is there no way I can change it? - Not really.
I didn't want to be a careers adviser either. I did a computer test and it said I should do it.
I wanted to be a carer, but I spelt it wrong, and they will not let you go back. Can't.
Why don't you just switch jobs?
I wouldn't know how to do that.
Well, just use one of these or something.
Make A Change, Your Ideal Career.
Don't Delay, Move For A Meaningful Career Today.
Or, Switching Careers, It's For You.
Oh, but... These are for the students.
Well, I can help you go through them, if you want.
Have you thought about being a careers adviser? You'd be perfect.
(Both) Shit!
This is gonna be showa.
A'right, a'right, a'right. Here's the drilling.
Cool, innit, beco you know they must be used to be getting this on a regular.
I say we go up on a chirps inflection, you get me? Our shit's got to be on point.
Cos you don' know we're gonna see that showa Stuart Elmore.
Stu! Stu! Stu! Stu! Stu!
And he's linked, man. He's got more links than the chains
that used to keep the black man bound.
He's gonna be on the mix tape.
It's all up in here.
But homeboy, you know it ain't the same without Milky, man.
Aiight.
(Sniffs) Minute's silence for the semi-skinned one.
I ain't no one-minute man.
We gotta go up there. We gotta be speaking English.
Standard. Standardly, blood.
Standardly! Yeah?
Like the reigning Queen Victoria, you get me?
I don't know, G.
Why go on if they mirk off our boats?
It is what it is.
There ain't no milk in the coffee, the coffee's got to learn to speak milk.
- Get me? - But...
Don't be on no negi hype, blood.
'Member the motto.
(Both) Shoot 'em up, bang, bang, props to the hood. You get me?
Get me! Come.
Salutations!
It would be spiffing to grab a mo with Mr Stu Elmore, Esquire,
the jockey of discs.
Abracadabra, Lynton.
Would you be so kind as to show her what we have inside our humble carrier.
Wagwan?
What's up, rudeboy?
It's a fruit, I tink.
Where's the mixtape, homeboy?
I don't know. In Jal's juicer?
I must've got the goods wrong, innit?
I don't think we can still showa this, blad.
Don't be a pussy.
'Member the motto.
(Both) Shoot 'em up, bang, bang, props to the hood.
Mm, Papoose, he's truly showa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
That's the shit right there.
That's our shit!
I swear, we bust out 16 bar right here, right now.
Yo, yo, yo.
THEY BEATBOX
BLEEP
- Skeen! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yous are truly showa.
You got really raw talent, you know.
And Stuart's always looking to break new sounds.
I'm going to try and get you on.
Hiya, Stuart. Listen, I've got these two lads down here,
and they're brilliant.
I mean, I really think you should get them on the radio now.
Yeah, I'll send them up.
HANGS UP TELEPHONE
You're in.
- Ah! - Yes!
- Listen, you two better do me proud. - 'Course!
And remember, yeah? If you need me to jump on your remixes, holler on your gal, Hepatitis.
Yes!
(Woman) GWR. fm weather.
(Man) Really nice out there, today. We're going to have lots of sunshine.
A bit chilly with highs of about ten degrees. It's going to stay dry for the rest of the week.
Right now, we're up to nine degrees. I'm Ben Moss...
Whoo!
All right, ladies, gents. Listen up, a surprise in store for you today.
I've been told these boys are hot! So we're going to see what they've got.
- Lead on, lads. - Whoo!
Yo, yo, yo! It's me on the mic, man.
Big up, your chest.
This is me, Lynton, with my man, Ace, man, minus Milky, man.
HMP Massive!
Bang your doors down!
Large up, large up, large up, large up! Big up, man, like Ace!
- Big up man, like, Lynton! - G up!
Big up, man, like Stu Stu. You know why?
MUSIC CRASHES IN GWR. fm weather.
What?
'Heavy, heavy showers today...'
'Scuse me! What is going on?
I can't believe they did that.
Shame the faces of them big boys.
That guy there - pussy, old toxic Babylonian... BLEEP
Shoot 'em up, bang, bang, props to the hood. What does he know?
(Both) Shoot 'em up, bang, bang, props to the hood.
BELL RINGS
Hi, Colin.
Wow.
- Hi, Cass. - I really like your top.
- It's cool. - Cheers.
Can I, like, have it?
- What? - Oh, it's not for me.
It's just a friend of mine is naked. Yeah, so...
A fiver says she won't get anything.
I'll take that.
Oh, come on! That's easy.
Cass, Cass. Get his jeans too.
I think that's going to be a bit tricky.
Yeah.
Hey, George.
Do you wanna bet?
- Tenner says you can't. - Watch and learn, suckers.
- Hey, Georgie. - Hey. You all right?
Got a quick question. Can I possibly borrow your jeans?
Fuck, she's good.
Tenner says she can't.
All right!
- I don't really wanna walk around naked. - No...
I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm sorry.
Fuck!
She blew it!
Double or quits?
What?
- Double or quits, I can get George's jeans. - I'll take it.
Hey, Georgie.
What happened there? I just can't understand it.
Fuck!
But how did he...?
George!
Bollocks! The whole fucking world's gay.
Hey, Chris. Trousers.
Everyone's talking about some naked guy who's in school.
They were trying to work out whether you're making some kind of political statement.
- T-shirt any good? - I think you'll like it.
I didn't think anyone'd notice.
Yeah. Maybe a few did.
"Describe what personal qualities make you ideal for a career as a carer."
I don't know.
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY
RINGING TONE
'Hi. This is Sid's phone. Tony, please! Get off, Tony! Fuck off!'
BEEP
Erm, hi, Sid. It's Josie, the careers lady.
Erm, I was just ringing because you said that you'd help, erm...
Er, I'm filling out this application form,
and... Oh, God, I'm at the end of my tether, Sid.
I can't do the job that I've got,
and I can't even apply to get another one.
Erm... I was just ringing, just for your help, really.
Cos you just seem really together, and I thought maybe...
BEEP
'The inbox for this number is full.'
The way of the ninja...
is stealth.
I'm here because I've been told that you are the one
that can show me the path.
Erm, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm the careers officer.
That's what I'm talking about - stealth, one-inch punches, ripping people's hearts out.
I can retract my testicles
with the power... of my mind.
What do you think?
What?
A brown man can't be a ninja, huh?
Is that it?
I'll show you.
Aargh!
Taooooooow-aargh!
Aaaaaaaaargh!
Teh!
Wow.
That's nang, innit?
So, who can you hook me up with?
The Chinese Triads.
Ooh, the Italian Mafia. Mm.
I just wanna be a trained kille-e-e-e-er!
Oh, and help the poor and shit,
on the side.
I can't help you.
You're just like my mum.
No, Anwar.
Be a doctor.
No assassination for you.
What's the point?
MOANING
Look, can we get this over with, please?
Mm.
Your questionnaire says that you can be...
pretty much whatever you want.
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Elvis.
You wanted to be like Elvis?
No. I literally wanna be Elvis.
You know...
Sing rock'n'roll, become the King, die on the toilet.
I think it's romantic.
Mm.
This is wrong.
I just wanted to make a difference.
What? More a Beatles fan?
This is a waste of my time.
Hippy.
SHE MOANS
DOOR CLOSES
Erm...
Are you all right?
Yeah. I'm quite comfortable, actually.
It's cosy in here, it's a bit like a shell.
- This is pointless. - I know.
I don't understand why I thought you'd be any different.
- No-one takes me seriously. - What?
I'm just like the brainless pretty girl, right?
Actually, your questionnaire shows you've got a good head for languages.
Have you thought about going to university?
They wouldn't have me.
Would they?
Would you like to go?
I know it sounds stupid, but...
Cette une bonne idee!
Vraiment.
Merci beaucoup.
Oh, la, la.
C'est rien. Absolument rien.
Un petit accident.
OK.
I... Listen. Erm...
I know it sounds silly and I don't even think I know the French for it but...
would you like to look through some prospectuses with me?
Are you sure? I don't want to waste your time.
Oh, no. I've got time.
There's courses all over the country.
You can pretty much take your pick wherever you'd want to study.
Far, far away!
Well, what about the University of Strathclyde?
Wow! Strathclyde?!
I'm not even sure where that is, but as you can see...
- Does it have a good reputation? - Not really.
It was the first town that I could think of that was a long way away...
Go on, then. What did everyone make?
- 2.45. - £4.21.
Effy's sponsored silence.
£13.57 from my career fund.
And Chris better be worth it because...
HE FARTS
Oh, shit.
Which way is the toilet?
That was one magic day.
You made loads, did you? Wicked.
I didn't want people's money, man. I wanted their respect.
I gave the complete fish experience.
- Jokes, impressions... - So you didn't make anything?
Why this obsession with money, man?
I don't know. Maybe because without it, you won't be going to Russia.
Course I'm going to Russia. We all are.
Chris, you've got no money.
I need £700 by tomorrow or you're not going.
Tomorrow?
That's like... not long.
Well, how much have you all made, then?
All together?
Not even 30 quid.
But... But I've got to go to Russia.
Everyone's gonna be there,
like Angie.
I've gotta go.
I can't just... I can't...
(Breathless) Cathy... fucking Barry... In the bar...
Here.
Now.
The UK's biggest porn star, man.
I would have stopped to talk to her but I thought, "How do I compose myself?"
Compose yourself.
Plus, when you've just taken one of those curry shits and the smell kinda lingers...
Yeah, right, Anwar. There's no chance
that Cathy Barry would choose to spend her afternoon in a shitty little pub.
Tony...
RAUNCHY MUSIC PLAYS
(Breathlessly) Those lips.
Those curves.
34 double fucking J's.
I've seen all of her films.
I've got all of her films.
Deep Desires.
Titfuck Frenzy.
(Oh, yeah. Titfuck Frenzy.)
Secret Garden Sex.
The Affair.
Dirty English Bitches.
Oh, yeah!
And, of course, Saturday Night Beavers.
Oh, that film was a treasure.
ANWAR PANTS
How do I look, boys?
How do I look?
Leave this to the master, yeah?
Oh, no. You ain't getting first dibs on everyone, Tony.
- D'you think she likes glasses? - No, she likes tall Asians, man.
And if she doesn't, she should.
Dudes.
We're supposed to be talking about Chris's crisis.
- I said first. - Actually, Tony, I said first.
I actually did say first.
I'm going.
But you're gay.
I'm gonna go over and ask if she likes the look of any of you, which she won't.
But... It's my lines that make me the man I am.
Just leave this to me.
I can't believe it.
Russia.
Gone.
(Sid) Cathy Barry.
My chance of eternal happiness, gone.
Cathy Barry!
Cathy Barry.
Well...
Amazingly, she actually is interested in one of you.
- The master strikes again. - Tony, sit down.
BOING!
Will you stop doing that? They have got some feeling, you know.
No, you're not dreaming, if you're thinking that.
Last night, well, you were very enthusiastic.
I don't...
I'm in love.
Ooh, I'm flattered.
No, with Angie. I'm in love with Angie.
I mean, OK, we're not together together but, you know, unfaithful is still unfaithful,
even if the romance is only in the mind.
Calm down, babe.
Has anybody told you shagging a porn star doesn't even count?
Cos if they were in the same situation, they'd do exactly the same as you.
I'm big, I'm bouncy, I'm shaggable and I don't count.
Just ask Charlie Sheen if you don't believe me. It's the rules.
It doesn't matter, anyway.
Nothing's ever gonna happen between me and Ange.
I thought, yeah, we'd go to Russia,
OK, sparks fly...
Fire burning, yeah?
But now I can't even got cos I can't afford the £700 it's gonna cost for the trip.
Oh, is it first love, is it?
Mm.
I was in love once,
but he wanted me to stop it at double D
so now I throw myself into meaningless sex, wherever the opportunity arises.
Yeah.
I think I might start doing that.
£700.
Will you take a cheque?
You what? Really?
On one condition.
Name it.
I don't remember your name.
Darling, where we're going, names doesn't even matter.
Oh, fucking men!
Tony, Josh, Malcolm and his Noah's Ark second fucking coming.
- I think they're quite cute. - No, they're not.
They're fucking awful.
Whoops.
Come on, 'Chelle. Forget about them.
Let's try and have fun. Yeah?
It's supposed to be happy hour.
Check them out!
And they wanna buy us a drink.
We've got drinks.
Why am I the duck?!
It's not fair! You get to be the sexy cat on the prowl
whilst I flirt around in a puddle getting stale bread thrown at me.
Yeah, but you're loved by old ladies and children.
- OK, well at least I'm not the dog. - That's true.
Googly-eyed,
an erect tail,
sausages.
(Both) Anwar!
And Sid is so the frog.
Agreed.
So as Sid the frog plans to sow his seed in the domesticated cat, Michelle...
...an entirely different species, which the rules of nature prove is absolutely impossible.
BOTH LAUGH
And then, there's Tony.
Who's Tony?
Ice.
Cold and transparent.
Makes sense.
OK, ice it is.
But ice has completely different plans.
Abigail and the Ya Ya's.
(Posh accent) Ya, I'm totally in love with your boyfriend. Why can't you understand?
(Posh accent) You cock-sucking, shit-spouting, horse-fuckerer!
Erm, Jal...
- Are we weird? - Yes.
Tempted?
Very.
Go on. Go get them for us.
I can't go and get them looking like this!
So it's very simple.
Either you, erm, stroke the pussy,
or you fuck the duck.
Ooh!
I still don't see why I have to be the duck.
Ducky, are you having some problems accepting who you are?
Ah, you don't believe in yourself.
You can't take who you are.
Ah, isn't that right, ducky duck?
- Quack, quack, quack... - Quack, quack, quack...
Quack, quack...
BOTH LAUGH
Where did they go?
Oh.
Maybe... Were we not lady-like enough?
Maybe they weren't feeling our animal instinct.
They weren't feeling anything at all.
Look, tell me the truth.
Does my beak look big in this?
BOTH LAUGH
DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
There was...
There was a girl who could only live on lemonade.
Or her parents were really old and rubbish and just kept giving it to her
to the point where she couldn't have anything else.
Or they were really nice and only gave it to her cos they really liked her.
I can't decide that bit, but...
SHE SNIFFS
She could only live on lemonade.
If she didn't have lemonade, she'd die.
And her parents were gonna die soon, too - they had something wrong with them like...
their blood was blue or something like that.
And she had a brother, but...
he was really stupid, so no-one really cared about him.
They just wanted their little girl to live.
The only trouble is...
...no-one thought about her brother.
She was in a bottle,
he was on his own.
No-one thought about him.
They just left him.
So he sat by her, her brother.
He sat by her in the bottle.
And cos lemonade helped her eyesight,
she could see him really clearly through the sides
even though the glass was as thick as a skull.
SHE SNIFFS
And cos it was the countryside,
there was nothing for him to eat
or nothing for him to buy.
SHE SNIFFS
And he was starving.
And she could see that.
And there was no-one looking after him and cos he was a bit stupid,
he couldn't look after himself.
And it kept on raining, so he was getting a bit rusty.
SHE SNIFFS
She was having an amazing time in the lemonade, but...
she knew she had to help him
so she swum to the surface, but she couldn't get out, it was too far away.
This bottle was too big.
SHE SNIFFS
She knew she had to do something.
He was getting worse and worse and worse.
And he was really hungry and thirsty.
And he started eating grass and puking up all the time.
So she tried to think of some plan for it.
But she couldn't.
All she knew was that he needed her with him.
All she could do was watch him puke his guts up on the other side of the glass.
Ha! But then bingo, she knew.
She started to drink.
And she drank and she drank and she drank.
And this was a lot of lemonade.
Enough to last her until she died, cos her parents wanted her to live for ages.
But she drank every last drop,
until she was in an empty bottle.
But that was no good.
She still couldn't get out.
But that was OK, cos she just waited
until she had a big one stored up cos she drunk all the pop.
She drunk all the lemonade
and then she started her fart. Ha! Ha!
It was slow at first, but then it was really loud and hard.
She blew her way out of the bottle, straight through the top, like a rocket.
Then she stopped her brother eating grass.
And they went to find a nice little house to live in together.
Her and her brother.
And it turned out that drinking all that lemonade had cured her, cos...
she never wanted it again.
She had orange for the rest of her life.
I love this town.
When I look at it, it's like it's always the first time.
Or the last.
Come on.
- That's 242. - Plus 79 for the bun.
Times two. 642. And I've got onions so add 15.
657.
Thanks, Jim. See you around.
- Dinner time. - Cheers, Cass.
(Doorman) Enjoy.
You'll have to remember next week, I'm not around. Sorry.
Remember what?
He always forgets his dinner and can't leave his post.
So I help him and he helps me.
- You go ahead. - No, this is for you.
SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
Face me.
DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
SHE LAUGHS
Hey, quick, look over the edge.
(Both) Wow!
Does that scare you?
No, it's pretty.
Yeah, it is.
But it'll all be different one day.
- So what does scare you? - I don't know.
My hairdresser. She always cuts too much off.
Does this fringe look normal to you?!
SHE COUGHS
Do you think you'll miss the things you love, or just love the things you'll miss?
I don't know.
I think I'll miss the thing I love.
How will you remember me? >
1,402!
THEY LAUGH
- Wow. Look at that. - Yeah.
All that water!
Do you think you could swim to the other side without getting tired?
It looks beautiful.
Just close your eyes and take it in.
BOTH INHALE
- Mmm. - Vinegar.
Onion rings.
Cod.
I think I miss Sid.
I miss cod. Golden batter, all lemony.
Chip soldiers getting messy in the ketchup.
Onion rings that you put on your fingers, like you're getting married!
And the cod is the groom cos he is so nice.
Mmm.
Did you know, if you think about something really hard,
it'll actually appear?
SHE LAUGHS
1,402!
- D'you wanna share? - That's really kind, but I can't.
I need ketchup.
What's your excuse now?
It's a present.
A leaving present and if I shared it, it wouldn't be a present any more.
Go on, then. What are you waiting for?
SHE GASPS